Some days I feel like my brain is in pause mode. My emotions completely take over and instead of logical processing I go into some weird fight or flight mode. “Poised for a fight” is the way I feel when I’m in these moods. It’s like everything that I hear is meant to hurt, belittle or mock me.
My brain is still there, I know it is, I can feel it trying to make itself heard saying, “You’re blowing this out of proportion so immensely that you’re making a fool of yourself! Stop it!” I really, really try to listen to this small part of me that is still logical but it’s really, really hard.
I don’t know if this is something that all mothers experience, maybe it’s just a PMS thing and many women go through it on a regular basis. I never had trouble with PMS before, and since these episodes began after my first baby was born I am going to blame it on pregnancy (in my case only!) I know that pregnancy plays real havoc on your body, the raging hormones, the changing body shape, the fear of what’s in store once the baby arrives is enough to make anybody slightly crazy, I guess I was a fool to think that the crazy would go away once I made it through the birthing process (surely I deserve some sort of prize?).
In my case the crazy didn’t go away, in fact it may have gotten worse! I seem to be in a more rational frame of mind now so can write with a tiny bit of dispassion and hopefully gain some perspective on today.
The boys both have colds so are a bit needy now, my mom watched them for me last night while I was at the first of three dress rehearsals scheduled for this week. When I got to practice yesterday I found out that I have been assigned the microphone for my section (viola) which normally wouldn’t faze me at all but this is not my strongest instrument by a long shot and the music is easy enough that I hadn’t planned to practice at home but hard enough that I figured it would be near the end of the show’s run before I could play it without (too) many mistakes! Now, with a microphone, I have to step up my game which means attending tonight’s rehearsal (which I had planned to skip!) and my mother has a hair appointment tonight so is unavailable.
So my day started with a phone call to my dad, of course he was more than happy to come over for pizza and some “guy time” with the kids, I felt guilty because now it means that I’m going to be out every night except one for a straight week. I’ll still be home all day with the kids so it’s not like I’m gypping them out of Mom completely but it was enough to start me on the path to “crazy”.
Then my poor husband woke up, I feel so bad for him sometimes. As a stay-at-home mom I have very limited contact with other adults on a daily basis so my husband gets to deal with the brunt of all my moods. He generally deals magnificently but we have always had a habit of feeding off each other’s moods and now that I have started having my times of “crazy” things can get pretty tense when his bad mood coincides with mine!
This morning for some reason I took umbrage at his thoughts on my deck design for the new house, I was upset that he didn’t thank me for having his tea ready when he woke, I was ticked that he left his dishes in the sink when I had just finished tidying up the kitchen and I was hurt when he made a comment about having to play viola with a microphone.
None of these things were particularly nasty, we’ve been trying to agree on a deck design for a month now, he rarely says anything about his tea (unless I don’t have it ready!), at least he rinses his dishes before leaving them in the sink, and the last time he heard me play viola (four years ago) I really did suck and nobody in their right mind would want to amplify me! Today though it was nearly enough to make me want to run away, hide in a closet and cry.
Having spent the time to write through what today was like has settled me down immensely. I have no doubt that there are people in the world who have similar, better and worse experiences with their own kind of “crazy”. I’m not trying to compare, just to tell my story in the hopes that reading it will ease the mind of someone, somewhere who is having a strange day like me!