We teach kids “A is for Apple, B is for Banana, etc.” Here is my ABC list full of “real life” things that kids really need to know:
A is for Alcohol It’s a magic liquid that makes Mommy a lot less stressed. A good tip: if you’re not getting your way, prescribe two ounces of it to Mommy and ask again, you may be surprised at the answer you get!
B is for Balls They’re everywhere, in the toy box, at the playground, in your pants. Use them as they’re meant to be used and don’t play in public with the ones attached to your body.
C is for Crap Life is full of it. People will feed it to, and throw it at, you (usually not literally but you never know when you live on a farm, ask mommy’s cousin!) You have to learn to distinguish the nuggets of it that you hear from the good stuff. Also, it belongs in the potty, not your diaper or the garden or the toy box.
D is for Daddy He is an adult who is also perfectly capable of feeding, cleaning and picking up after you. He is a resource, use him please and give Mommy a break. Seriously.
E is for Everybody There really are lots of people in the world, most of them are really nice but they all don’t need to know that you “Doh pee darden!” or that you have your own set of balls. They certainly don’t need, or want, to see anything involving your bodily functions.
F is for Food There are a million types of food in the world, you don’t need to exist on only hot buttered toast or macaroni. Try something green, it might surprise you with it’s yumminess!
G is for Groovy It’s an actual word. A fun word really. Learn to use it, live it and love it. You’ll start a whole revival!
H is for Help It is also an actual word, one that if you learn it you will become much more valuable to Mommy and she will be less likely to walk away and leave you in the grocery store.
I is for Ice Cream Really, one of the great inventions of modern life. Since you don’t like it, stop trying to take Mommy’s and let her enjoy. You’ll find it has a similar effect on Mommy’s behaviour as alcohol.
J is for “Just Do It!” That usually means that Mommy is nearing the end of her rope. Suck it up and accomplish the desired task, life will be a whole lot better if you do.
K is for Kitchen The big room in the house with all the food. When Mommy is in there she is generally in some state of panic about creating a decent meal for Daddy. Don’t bother her.
L is for Laughter it’s the absolute best thing in the world. Make sure you experience it every day and you’ll be able to accomplish whatever you want in life. Laugh at yourself, at Mommy’s silly faces, at Daddy’s funny dances, but never ever laugh at other people because they look, talk or act differently than you.
M is for Mommy Mommy is one half of the reason that you exist. You’ll love her forever, hate her sometimes and wish she wasn’t looking when you’re trying to play with the hammer but never forget that she loves you more than life itself and just wants what’s best for you. When she’s sad, give her a hug. When she’s happy, know that it’s because of you. When she’s upset, also know that it’s likely because of you but she will get over it if you bring her some alcohol.
N is for Naps They are a gift from God. Embrace them, accept them, cherish them. One day you won’t get them anymore and you’ll really miss them!
O is for Open The number of times per day that Mommy is asked to “Open!” something indicates that you already know this word. It would be really helpful if you could also learn the related action and access your own Play-Doh.
P is for Play Life is full of things to play with. It doesn’t always have to be the Nintendo or iPad, never forget how to play with bubbles or a ball or a bike. Remember, sometimes the power goes off and things with power cords and batteries will stop working. Mommy doesn’t want to live through another night like last night when we had no power and you didn’t know how to deal!
Q is for Question If you don’t ask questions you will never learn things. That doesn’t mean that you can question Mommy’s orders though, I’m still the boss and there’s nothing you can do about it!
R is for Reality As you grow up you will learn that reality sometimes sucks. It’s Mommy’s job to teach you how to deal with that, that teaching will not always be fun for you (or Mommy) but it needs to be done. You will not survive life if you think that you won’t have to work towards every goal, strive for every milestone and slave for every dream. You might not achieve everything you want in life but you’ll be able to be proud of the effort you put in.
S is for Simple Try to keep life as simple as possible. Simply accept that Mommy’s word is law, simply accept that you cannot leave the house wearing nothing but running shoes, simply accept that bedtime is not negotiable, life is a whole lot easier when you don’t complicate things.
T is for Teach People are going to be teaching you things your whole life. Please let yourself be taught by people who are actually qualified to teach you, I mean Mommy (I took the Mommy Test and passed, honest I did!), Daddy and your school teachers for example. Don’t let yourself be taught by the behaviour of the school bully, the foul-mouthed person at the park or the sketchy drug dude down the street.
U is for Understanding Really, an admirable quality. Understanding why others act the way they do (and why you shouldn’t necessarily!) will be a valuable asset to you. Also, understanding why Mommy sometimes needs some alone time with her wine won’t hurt!
V is for Valuable There are certain things in this house (and life) that are very valuable. You will not be allowed to handle them until you show that you are responsible enough to be trusted with their care. By this I mean, don’t play the piano using your hammer, don’t try to reprogram Daddy’s computer again and certainly don’t spill Mommy’s wine when you bring it to her!
W is for Why Seriously, it’s not the only question in the world. You don’t have to ask it in response to every instruction that you are given. Sometimes you just need to trust that Mommy really does have her reasons for asking you to stop pushing your brother, start cleaning up your own toys and go play outside. Sometimes Mommy is also afraid that she won’t be able to answer you so it’s really just better if you don’t always ask.
X is for Xylophone A xylophone is a very fun instrument that Mommy plays in the band. It is not a good idea to use a drumstick and pretend that Mommy’s piano is a xylophone, it makes Mommy very upset and will result in her spilling her wine.
Y is for You You are you. Mommy is Mommy. I know it blows your mind that we are, in fact, two different people but it’s true. You are responsible for your own actions and must learn that there are consequences to those actions, sometimes serious ones. Mommy also faces consequences for her own actions, you and your brother are living examples of said consequences Not necessarily bad ones, but definitely lifelong ones.
Z is for Zoo This house is one. It will remain so as long as you and your brother live here most likely. Mommy tries her best to minimize that but it’s a never ending battle and Mommy has learned to choose her battles, just as she chooses her wine.